"Look Not Behind Thee"

I love reminiscing. 

I love looking back at old pictures and videos. Seeing all the moments that have brought me some of the greatest joys in my life. 

I remember some of my favourite nights with my family were all of us on our couch watching these old videos my dad put on a family blog. It didnt matter how many times we watched these videos, they still brought the same laughter and joy! 

These moments of joy are ones i have turned to a lot on my mission. I have a wall full of some of these times of my life that i love the most. When i am feeling down or i miss home, I like to sit in front of this wall. For a little bit of time i 

remember what it felt like to be there again. And then i am quickly reminded what my purpose is here. 

Despite the joy that comes from these happy moments, there are a lot of moments in my life that i have had a really hard time forgiving and forgetting.

It seems to be that a part of me can't seem to let go of them even though i want to so bad. For some reason i have felt this guilt of not holding on to them. I think its a little bit of a hope that the situation or circumstance will eventually change. More times than not i think what keeps me in these moments of time is a love associated with this moment, even if it isnt a postive moment. The heart is always the last thing that seems to let go. And theres a lot of these moments my heart is waiting to let go of.  

As i was studying this week this concept of looking back and letting go kept coming to my mind. I then came across the story of Lot's wife. 

I found myself really relating to her. 

The thing about Lot's wife is that she knew their home was wicked. 

She knew that destruction was coming. 

She trusted enough to leave but not enough to not look back.

It wasnt just that she looked back. 

She didnt know how to allow her heart to let go of this place. 

A place she knew and loved so much.

But also a place that caused fear, grief, and disappointment. 

Ultimately, Lot's wife doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than what she had. She thought that nothing that was ahead could possibly be as good as what she had to leave behind. 

I have found myself, like Lot's wife, looking back and not being able to let go. Even when the things I have the hardest time letting go of or looking back on cause me so much pain and sadness. Doubt is what fills me when i think of these moments. 

I think we all find ourselves in this position. 

Looking back, not being able to let go. 

The issue found in the past is that at times we see that it takes away our confidence for the future. 

Like Lots's wife, we doubt the lords ability to bring to pass something far greater than what we already had. 

"The past is to be learned from but not lived in."

Of course, this concept is easier said than done. 

This has been something i have been taking to the lord for a long time. 

And this week i have found what i have been searching for.

The story of the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's has never really made sense to me. I hadnt ever read the book of mormon consistently until my mission so the stories never connected in my mind. 

But this story struck my heart this week. 

I find their story so inspiring. 

Like all of us, they had a past. 

In fact they said "we were the most lost of all mankind."

They made some stupid choices, of which they greatly regretted. 

But, in the end they find the saviour. 

And he makes them clean.

Time came where they had to make a choice. 

They could go back to their past. 

Or 

Trust that god would delivered them. 

They chose god. 

They knew their lives were in jeopardy. But it didnt matter to them, because they knew who their god was. 

They understood how much is cost to get them to where they were in that very moment. It wasnt worth it to go back to the past. 

17 And now it came to pass that when the king had made an end of these sayings, and all the people were assembled together, they took their swords, and all the weapons which were used for the shedding of man’s blood, and they did bury them up deep in the earth. 

18 And this they did, it being in their view a testimony to God, and also to men, that they never would use weapons again for the shedding of man’s blood; and this they did, vouching and covenanting with God, that rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would give up their own lives; and rather than take away from a brother they would give unto him; and rather than spend their days in idleness they would labor abundantly with their hands. 

19 And thus we see that, when these Lamanites were brought to believe and to know the truth, they were firm, and would suffer even unto death rather than commit sin; and thus we see that they buried their weapons of peace, or they buried the weapons of war, for peace.

They buried the weapons of war, for peace. 

Because they knew who their God was. 

After i read this story i sat there for awhile just thinking. 

The weapons of my past. 

These things i knew werent good, that i knew wouldnt last, but i couldnt seem to let go of. Things i found myself looking back on. Its not that i loved those moments of my life, but my heart seem to be connected to them. 

It had to be so hard for the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's to bury these weapons of war. To give up something that for so long was a part of them. It was a way of life they were having to leave behind. Deep in the ground. 

But, this was a choice that to them was worth while. It was worth everything because they knew of the internal peace that would come. 

There comes a peace when we are able to bury our weapons of the past deep down. But most of all to leave them there. Never to be touched again. 

All things have a time and a season. 

And with each new time and new season comes new experiences.

It is hard to let go.

But if we never let go we would never know what it is like to be free. 

"When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died to heal."

"God doesn’t care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are and, with His help, where you are willing to go."

For the first time i have been able to feel free. That internal peace has filled my heart.

My weapons of the past are buried deep down. 

The place and person i used to be is left behind, and i am choosing not to look back anymore. 

Because i know that my Lord has the ability to give me something better than what i had before. 

12 ...God hath taken away our stains, and our swords have become bright, then let us stain our swords no more...

10 And I also thank my God, yea, my great God, that he hath granted unto us that we might repent of these things, and also that he hath forgiven us of those our many sins...which we have committed, and taken away the guilt from our hearts, through the merits of his Son.

Each an every day i gain a greater understanding, love, and appreciation for the mercy of my Saviour. 

Im so grateful for my mission. It has changed me and it continuing to change me. Im humbled that the lord allowed this special experience to become apart of me forever. 

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These are my moments of joy this week:

The moment we felt like we needed to walk down this road. We found a lady struggling to carry her shopping. It was Sonia! The beautiful friend i sat with at the bus stop many weeks ago. The lord knew she needed us. 

"I knew we would meet again"

Standing outside a casino with this sweet man. He says, "I wasnt going to say anything but everytime i talk to people like you i cant get over the ring of light that is around you, how do i get that same light?" 

"I needed your kindness today"

Sister Mkhwanazi had this image in her head of where we needed to go that day. We went. We were looking for a middle aged woman who needed us. In the pouring rain we started to become discouraged because no one seemed to listen. We came to this place. No one. We prayed. A lady came around the corner and we knew it was her. We began talking to her and she is from Sister Mkhwanazis village in Swaziland. This is a moment i hold close to me heart. My sweet sister said, "Now i know that personal revelation is real, i want to act on everything now."

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"This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus"

Philippians 3:13–14

I love you all! I pray for you! 

With love, 

Sister B