Breinholt, Bella P

I love reminiscing.  I love looking back at old pictures and videos. Seeing all the moments that have brought me some of the greatest joys in my life.  I remember some of my favourite nights with my family were all of us on our couch watching these old videos my dad put on a family blog. It didnt matter how many times we watched these videos, they still brought the same laughter and joy!  These moments of joy are ones i have turned to a lot on my mission. I have a wall full of some of these times of my life that i love the most. When i am feeling down or i miss home, I like to sit in front of this wall. For a little bit of time i  remember what it felt like to be there again. And then i am quickly reminded what my purpose is here.  Despite the joy that comes from these happy moments, there are a lot of moments in my life that i have had a really hard time forgiving and forgetting. It seems to be that a part of me can't seem to let go of them even though i want t...

The lyrics of this song have been playing in my mind all week.  "Brightly beams our Father’s mercy  From his lighthouse evermore,  But to us he gives the keeping  Of the lights along the shore.  Let the lower lights be burning;  Send a gleam across the wave.  Some poor fainting, struggling seaman  You may rescue, you may save. Dark the night of sin has settled;  Loud the angry billows roar.  Eager eyes are watching, longing,  For the lights along the shore. Trim your feeble lamp, my brother;  Some poor sailor, tempest-tossed,  Trying now to make the harbor,  In the darkness may be lost." You may rescue, you may save... But it's in the moments we rescue and save "some poor fainting, struggling seaman" that we begin to feel rescued and saved in the arms of our saviour.  Its the moment our eyes meet with theirs and we begin to feel the light they are in need of. That they are trying to reach this harbour of safety....

There seems to be moments in time where our grip feels like its beginning to slip.  Its times for me where i feel most out of control.  This was one of those weeks for me.  My mission president called me last sunday and told me that my companions father had just passed away. My heart sank so deep. I felt sick. If this sweet sister hasn't been through enough, i thought to myself.  He made it very clear that I couldn't tell her, that him and his wife were going to come later that night to tell her. This was one of the hardest things I have had to do on my mission. To look at her and know that she had no idea the news she was going to receive.  Sitting in a room with my mission president and his wife listening to them tell her that her dad passed away hurt so bad. My heartbroke. Watching her face change from a smile to instant tears. Having her look at me in pure distraught, hurt.  I stayed awake for awhile after she went to bed. Contemplating how I was going ...

My mission has been the ultimate race.  Its a race i felt like i trained for for a long time.  I felt ready to run.  But quickly into this race i realised that i was far from prepared.  I didnt realise how steep the climb was going to be or how many roadblocks and detours i was going to have to take and conquer.  I learned quite fast that sprinting as fast as i could wasnt going to help me win this kind of race.  Something I came on my mission with was a full backpack.  Packed full of a collection of things from over the years.  Full of doubts  Full of insecurities  Full of sadness Full of brokenness  This backpack was really heavy.  It was a backpack that was full of the wrong equipment. Despite the weight I continued to try and run.  It was then a few months into this race i realised i wouldnt be able to run anymore with this bag dragging behind me.  But its hard to let go of things youve held onto for a long time. ...